Overwhelmed Moms Need Real Self-Care Now More Than Ever
When you think of self-care do you think of bubble baths in a tub overlooking the snow-capped mountains? Sitting in a hammock on a deserted tropical beach? Chocolate? Wine????
Those things are all lovely to dream about, but the truth is that self care isn’t really these grand gestures - things that are difficult to accomplish, expensive, and time-consuming. This is one of the many big lies we have been sold by our capitalist, media-driven culture, where everything has a cost.
“Self-care is expensive. It is big and takes a lot of time. It is for those who can afford it. It’s not for me. I don’t have time. I don’t have the money. Self-care is out of my reach.”
Can you feel the contraction in your body as you read that? It brings up all the scarcity feels and scarcity makes us feel bad and desperate and alone. That really isn’t self-care, is it?
I am here to bust the myth that self-care is out of your reach.
In fact, self-care is readily available to each of us, and, just as important to understand, it makes us whole and authentic people. I have decided that it is my job to convince the world that self-care is a critical, urgent, and mandatory part of being human and that is is available to everyone. It is time to reclaim and redefine self-care as a necessary part of a healthy life. Caring for yourself should not be something on your to-do list that keeps getting pushed to the bottom. It is an integral part of each day, just like sleeping, eating, and breathing.
Social media is filled with images of people doing things in the name of self-care, so it is instructive to take a moment to look at what it is not. Self-care does not involve doing things that you will regret in the long-run. Sure, spending time connecting with a friend counts as self-care, but downing a bottle of wine with this friend is not caring for you. You might enjoy having a special treat like ice cream or a piece of delicious cake but eating so much that you feel sick or regret it is decidedly not in the category of care for the self. Framing self-care in terms of luxury expenses keeps it out of reach for many, or worse, compels people to spend money they don’t have or take time from other important things in the name of taking care of themselves. Caring for yourself is not the same as luxury. Doing things that you know will hurt you in the long run is also not self-care.
Learning to care for yourself moment-to-moment is the true meaning of self-care. This is how you develop an intimate relationship with yourself. It is about creating a life that you don’t need a break from. We all have moments of stress, even moments of very high stress. But if that is what our whole life is, it means we are seriously out of balance.
Think of self-care as the simple acts you can do in the moment to recognize what you are feeling, identify what you need, and take the time to give yourself those things. It is turning toward yourself rather than abandoning yourself in a moment of struggle.
Mom The Martyr
Our culture has a very complicated relationship with women and self-care. We hear all the time that we have to take care of ourselves so we can care for others. We like to use the emergency landing metaphor: “Put on your oxygen mask first.” No one ever says this to men - Can you imagine? I would like to suggest that we not allow ourselves to be in a free-fall plane crash before we start taking care of ourselves. I advocate for taking care of ourselves all the time so that we never feel that feeling of going in for a crash landing.
Here is the reframe we all need - the frame of mind that tells us that yes, we are worthy: We don’t practice self-care so we can take care of others. We practice self-care because we are human. Self-care is important, period, end of sentence. Really, it is imperative. It is a non-negotiable for humans, so if you are reading this, that means you. Self-care makes you a whole, authentic person, and allows you to see yourself as someone worthy of care and love.
And here is a hint for all you moms out there reading this - this is the most important thing you can do as a parent. By knowing and acting on the fact that you are worthy of love and care, you teach your kids an invaluable lesson - they too are worthy of love and care. It is a wonderful side benefit that when we are whole people, we can be in satisfying and healthy relationships with others. Strengthening our relationship with our self strengthens our relationship with others., so self-care does allow us to care for others, but that’s not why we do it. Let’s just let the mom-as-martyr thing die, okay?
Self-Care and the Nervous System
So why is self-care so important? Self-care is intimately connected to our nervous system through the vagus nerve - that vast nerve that links to so many of our body’s systems. The ventral vagal system is our social engagement system and orients us to safety and connection. Via the ventral vagal response, the vagus nerve is responsible for our sense of well-being, and controls the parasympathetic nervous system. When we practice kindness toward ourselves, we are actually activating the vagus nerve.
In simple terms, stress is counteracted by the ability of the vagus nerve to move from an activated state to a settled state, which is really just a fancy way of saying “nervous system flexibility.” In other words, can we handle a stressful moment and move back into ease? Can we willfully and deliberately act in our best interest and the interest of those around us, and surrender at the same time, letting go of what we can’t control?
The stress response (sympathetic nervous system) and the relaxation response (parasympathetic nervous system) exist on a continuum. By practicing self-care and giving ourselves what we need in any given moment, we activate the ventral vagal complex, which in turn quiets the fight/flight/freeze response and warms up the rest and digest response. We nourish ourselves to get back to our optimal window of tolerance.
Doing this on a regular basis is a compassionate way to engage the ventral vagal nervous system and warm us to a compassionate response. It can create new neural pathways as we begin to form new habits, helping to counteract the default mode network, which is a part of the brain designed to figure out what is wrong with ourselves and our world. We now understand through the study of neuroplasticity that the brain continues to develop and grow throughout our lifetime. We can literally teach our brain to be more open to our own self-care simply by practicing it!
There is no right or wrong nervous system state — we are simply learning to be aware of how our body and mind are responding to stimuli so that we can make choices to support ourselves. Your nervous system finds its clues in your body, your environment, and your relationships, so the state of the nervous system is a reflection of those and how they are interacting together. If we notice that we feel activated in our nervous system - agitated, anxious - or feel like the nervous system is shutting down - hopeless, helpless, depressed - that is information we can use to make choices about how to care for ourselves. There is so much power in that capacity!
Mindful Self-Compassion as the Foundation of Self-Care
Self-care stems from self-compassion. In her research, Kristin Neff discovered that self-compassion has three components: common humanity, self-kindness, and mindful awareness. When we use the model of self-compassion as a framework for self-care, self-compassion becomes the foundation of how we care for ourselves. (You can find out more about Neff’s work, and test your level of self-compassion here)
Finding Awareness: Mindfulness
Mindful awareness is the first step to self-care. Mindfulness can be defined as awareness of present moment experience with acceptance. It is a way of becoming aware of our needs in any moment by internally settling in and noticing what we are feeling. The more we practice mindfulness, the more we are able to be consciously aware of the state of our nervous system. We do this through conscious neuroception, or awareness of the nervous system state, to detect safety in our world. Mostly, neuroception is an unconscious process, but we can bring greater awareness to it through mindfulness practices.
Interoception is internal sensory awareness. It enables us to clue into the body, our feelings, or emotional state, and what is happening in the mind. You cannot begin to care for yourself until you are clear about how you are feeling. Awareness of how we are feeling in the present moment allows us to make wise choices. It is easy to remember how alone it is to feel unseen by your partner. When we are not aware of our own feelings we are unseen by our self, and that is lonely too. Creating the space for mindful awareness helps us to see ourselves fully, to become intimately aware of ourselves, and that helps build stronger relationships by allowing us to show up authentically, as whole humans.
Building Connection: Common Humanity
Turning toward what you find with mindful awareness begins the process of self- and co-regulation of the nervous system and is incredibly important in developing strong families. We humans are literally wired for connection - we need it to survive! We build our capacity to self-regulate through co-regulation. Co-regulation is not a choice, rather, as psychotherapist and educator Deb Dana says, it is a “biological imperative - we do not survive without it.”
Self-regulation comes out of the experience of being safely held in relationship. This is what the body looks for - how to regulate with another human being. When we connect with others, we allow for the understanding that we are not alone in our experience. We can do this with our kids, friends, and partners. Connection with another engages the ventral vagal nervous system which allows that sense of safety and refuge. When this system is activated, it lets us know that the world is a welcoming place, that it is beautiful, and that we are okay in it. We are filled with a sense of possibility.
The great news is connection with another doesn’t have to feel impossible. Take 15 minutes to hang out with your kids, no expectations, no “shoulds”, just being. Hug your spouse, partner, or friend! Meet up with a friend and sit face-to-face, even if distanced, and talk. Listen and be heard. Remember that you belong in this world. Take up the space that you need and find your connections.
Self-Kindness: You are Worthy!
Once we understand what we are feeling, we can begin to answer the quintessential question of self-compassion: “What do I need right now?” or for your kids, “What do YOU need right now?” What does the family need right now? Asking ourselves this question opens us to the present moment experience, and keeps us out of ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.
This is self-kindness: we open to our present moment experience, find awareness of how we are feeling, ask ourselves what we need, and meet that need. It is a beautiful turning toward ourselves that is the foundation of authenticity.
Your kids will be looking to you to set the tone and you can be very intentional about what tone you wish to set. Letting you kids know that all family members needs are important is key to maintaining strong family connections. Kids can learn that they can meet their own needs and have others in the family help them, and as they watch you meeting your own needs, you teach them the importance of self-care. It is a beautiful way to connect and build strength both within each person and within the family system.
Self-care helps you to connect to your own humanity, thereby making the space to connect to your child’s humanity. Creating an environment where caring for oneself is prioritized - where the care-givers understand the importance of making space to care for themselves and where mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness are present is the gold standard in parenting. This kind of environment makes space for all of our human emotions, all of our experiences. It makes us feel less alone in this world. It allows us to deeply connect with ourselves and with another. When we see examples of self-kindness in our close family it is easier to have that expectation of others out in the world so that we develop healthier relationships as we grow. This is how we raise healthy kids. This is how we maintain our connections over time.
Interested in Learning more about How to care for yourself in times of struggle? Click the link below to be taken to my information page:
self-study course: Staying Grounded in Difficult Times
In this course, I share simple, easy-to-use (and learn!) mindfulness, self-compassion, and embodiment practices that will help you to feel more settled, more connected, and more aware of what you can control when life gets challenging.