Talking to Your Kids About Racism, White Supremacy, and Social Justice

{{{This piece is written to address white parents who want to talk about race with their kids but are struggling with how to do it. There is so much information that I have split it up into 2 parts.
Part 1 explores what racism is, how it shows up for white people, and the ways parents can look at their own racism and implicit biases.
Part 2 explores how to talk to your kids about racism, white supremacy and racial justice issues.
Look for Part 2 next week. }}}

Racism is a multilayered system of oppression that serves to use violence, fear, control, and white privilege to keep Black, Indigenous, and people of color (BIPOC) socially and economically marginalized. There is much to understand about the issues of racism, white supremacy, and racial justice, and it is so deeply woven into the fabric of our lives, that for white people it can be difficult to see. There is no denying that we white people have benefited from this system. That is a simple fact.

You want to talk to your kids about racism and white supremacy, but it seems like a huge job, and you don’t know where to begin. As white folx, we must remember that it is a privilege to be hesitant about talking to our kids about issues related to race. No black family has this option. Because of systemic and individual racism, Black families must speak to their kids about this to protect them and keep them safe from the all-to-real threat of harm that comes from individuals and the very systems meant to protect us all. With the murder of George Floyd at the hands of a police officer, this has been clearly visible in the news lately, but it is not new. There is a long history of state sanctioned violence against people of color that stretches back to the very founding of this country. By talking to your kids about these issues, you honor Black people’s history and struggles, and create the potential for change. It really is a moral imperative.

“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist” -James Baldwin

What You Resist Persists

In America, racist policy is fully ingrained in our systems. In his book How to Be an Antiracist, Ibram X. Kendi defines racist policy as “any measure that produces or sustains racial inequality between racial groups.” It is not hard to see, if you are willing to look at your world with a beginners mind (I have to again draw attention to the privilege this encompasses: White folx have a choice to make here. Black folx are not given a choice around this kind of noticing). Combating racism requires white people to get vulnerable - to allow our hearts to open a bit to what we may not have fully seen and to recognize our own role in it. This is big, important work, but doing this work can change institutional racism in this country. As Brene Brown says in her book Daring Greatly, “Make no mistake: honest conversations about vulnerability and shame are disruptive. The reason that we’re not having these conversations. . . is that they shine light in dark corners. Once there is language, awareness, and understanding, turning back is almost impossible and carries with it severe consequences.” Once we accept the fact that racism exists within our systems and policies, and that dealing with it is uncomfortable, it is a heck of a lot easier to move forward and begin to change the system.

When we deny the racism that clearly exists in this country, we are experiencing a form of resistance. What self-compassion work tells is that ‘what we resist persists’. We cannot change racism until we acknowledge its effects on us, our children, and most especially, people of color. If we resist it, it continues to fester, causing harm to others. When we name what is happening we can begin to see and feel change. We can notice this in our body when we identify and acknowledge a feeling of discomfort. When we notice and allow the discomfort, that feeling begins to shift and we can clearly see the effects on our communities and the country at large. Recent mass protests around the country have led to state legislatures taking up the issue of police brutality and more confederate statues coming down, and even, finally, more open discussions of reparations. Only when we drop our resistance about the tremendous and dangerous effects of racism can we begin to overcome the negative impacts of it.

What You Name You Tame

So where do you begin when talking with your kids about these issues? Like all parenting, you begin with yourself. Turn inward. Your parenting choices should come from your own inner wisdom, and as with all things parenting, you have everything you need inside of you to take on this topic with your kids. BUUUUUUTTTT . . . . And this is a really important ‘but’, in the case of racism it is important to seek outside information to help you challenge any implicit biases that you have (and you have plenty).

Any discussion of racism with your kids needs to start with you. It is important for you to get clarity for yourself on how you feel about racism and racial injustice, and to notice how the discussion makes you feel physically, emotionally, and mentally. Learning to lean into the discomfort is important. These are tough issues. If you open yourself to it, you will learn difficult truths, truths that we white people have glossed over for years, but that black and brown people live with every day. There are some resources listed below that can help you become aware of the ways that racism lives within you and how you can act to combat the effects of it. We must not ask people of color to do the work for us. The books and articles have been written. There are resources out there. Seek them out. Engage with the resources that exist.

Let’s just get this out of the way right now: You are racist. There is no way to grow up in this world and not be racist. Does this make you uncomfortable? Notice what you are feeling in your body as you read this. Notice where the discomfort shows up. Place a hand where you feel the discomfort and simply acknowledge it. “This is uncomfortable. This feels scary to think about.” See what happens to the sense of discomfort simply by naming it. How does your body feel when you think about racism in this country? What happens in your body when you think about police brutality against black people? What happens to the quality of the mind?

Guilt & Shame: Working with the Nervous System

This is a practice of mindful awareness. You begin here, with your nervous system, because this topic is not an easy one and it can overwhelm the nervous system, bringing us into fight, flight, or freeze. A lot of feelings will come up for you around your own racism and the systemic racism that you see all around you as you really begin to notice. Yes, it is difficult to think about, but you know the importance of not turning a blind eye to racial inequality in America. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t think this was important. There is no such thing as neutrality on the issue of racism. Silence implies approval. Finding mindful awareness allows us to begin to face the discomfort with self-kindness and kindness toward those whose lives are so deeply effected by generations of injustice.

As you come to recognize the racism that lives within you, you can now recognize and work through any guilt or shame you may have about your racist thoughts or beliefs. Guilt arises when we believe we have acted in a way that causes harm. Shame arises when we feel there is something deeply wrong with us as a person. Guilt has the capacity to spur us to change the negative effects of our actions. Guilt becomes a motivating force, leading us to change behavior, make an apology, or make amends. If there are things around race that you feel guilty about - specific acts toward people of color, lack of discussion with your children about the reality of racism in America - you can act to replace the negative behavior with ones you know cause less harm. You can make amends. You can change future behavior by changing your intentions.

Shame is a universal human emotion. We all feel it at one time or another. We all know how debilitating and lonely it is to be in shame. It is not a helpful emotion. Shame can immobilize people, curbing action and learning. It leads us to believe we are not good people and therefore we can’t change our behavior. Nearly all people feel shame. When you recognize that you are not alone, it helps the shame to dissipate. Self-compassion can help us work through shame. You can notice when you are in shame, and explore what that feels like in your body. Where does shame show up? Place a hand there and just breath into that space. Feel the warmth of your own hand. What kindness can you give to yourself in this moment of shame? When we begin to explore shame in this way, it allows us to move from being paralyzed by it to moving through and beyond it.

What we need now is more action, more learning, not less. Your ever-increasing knowledge of the deep and painful effects of racism in our country can be freeing. If you open yourself to it, it allows you to drop the defensive stance and to see what is before your eyes. You can now confront your thoughts as they come up. As the saying goes, “When you name it, you tame it.” This is the challenge of being actively anti-racist, which allows you to actively challenge your own thinking and suppositions. It becomes impossible to not see what has always been there. We live in a systemically racist society and you are part of it.

In a future post, I will explore the ways we can take our awareness of racism and racial justice and begin to explore these issues with our kids. Racism cannot end without this piece, this sharing with our own children, learning with them, growing with them. We have the capacity, through our parenting relationship, to change an entire generation. Institutional and individual racism has shown itself time and time again. We can no longer turn away and think it is just some rogue actor. We must see it for what it is, and now that we know better, we must do better.

Resources for becoming an anti-racist:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BRlF2_zhNe86SGgHa6-VlBO-QgirITwCTugSfKie5Fs/preview?pru=AAABcxVuNDM*0bT__LMloOSPpXyIDgUJrA

Educate yourself:

https://www.shinebrightschool.com/collections

https://helloseven.co/townhall-2/

https://www.antiracismdaily.com/

http://laylafsaad.com/

https://parentingforliberation.org/

https://www.tarabrach.com/racism/

https://www.whiteaccomplices.org/

Movie to watch with your kids:
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/the-6-most-powerful-family-films-that-discuss-racism-yet-show-your-kids-how-to-respond-positively/

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/black-history-movies-that-tackle-racism

Books to have for your kids:
https://www.embracerace.org/resources/where-to-find-diverse-childrens-books

https://twitter.com/wanderingbritt_/status/1267617830872154113

Understanding Black Motherhood:
https://www.vox.com/first-person/2020/5/28/21272380/black-mothers-grief-sadness-covid-19